this is the first time i'm having cold war with one of my closer friends. I didn't think i'm in the wrong. but she's sorry about it anyway.
i guess i was oversensitive coz i misinterpreted her meaning and i took it too personally. am i being very petty?
it wasn't just that.
i'm really upset with myself. i found myself an academic failure.
but for the first time in my life someone said that i was good in physics. that was really encouraging especially at a time like this. that made me feel good. coz at least i did it with my own effort with time, sweat and tears. sigh. u have no idea how much frustration i have to go through studying.
maybe i'm too ego or lazy to seek help. maybe i don't know who to seek for help. maybe i just don't know what to ask. when i ask for help my chem teacher just says " next time la. i'm not coming tmr." that's very helpful. but i can see that he's tired. he needs rest too. i just become unreasonable and too demanding at the wrong time.
i feel like i haven't done my part as a friend coz i all i know is how to manipulate people so that they will be on my side. believe me, all these was done subconsciously. now it seems that i'm taking all the blame and that i'm the one who deserves all the pity; that i'm the one who is facing with a serious inferiority and i need to be counseled and be convinced that i'm not stupid after all.
ARGH. i hate myself. i'm stupid and no one's to blame for my stupidity.
another word for stupid? i can't think of any word.

but i'm not giving up. what's the big deal about me not knowing my concepts. i hate it when u explain to me with this ego and overconfidence in ur eyes. and whenever the physics expert agrees with u and that u have successfully proven that my theory is wrong, u give me that see-what-did-i-tell-you look. wah kao. fine. i'm just stupid. fiNE??

from head to toe, no one has ever had the intention to hurt me or do whatever i've said above (i believe so).

conclusion: i have a freaking big ass attitude problem with myself. my friends are the greatest gifts i have ever received and i'm still complaining. i should be grateful for the amount of attention i get despite me being a 2nd intaker, a hs rep and having a low intelligence quotient. =)

i still love you guys. really.