Discovery Before 30 + Racket Vomit

30 is the age of approaching my prime years.

Yet, strip me bare naked and i stand before you with nothing. I don't have any particular achievements in my life - just really mediocre in everything that I do. I once had a top prize, which was i came in topped for a civil measurements module during my university days. Boy, i beat the rest of my entire cohort on that, how's that for an achievement? Keep that in memory but naturally fades away given time. 

I don't want to look to achieving something anymore. Trophies, honour, reputation, praises are just self-centered desires which do not make the world a happier place. In fact, maybe I would make one more person unhappy because I have taken top spot in place of him/her. So, what are the list of actions I can do to make somebody happy? It doesn't have to be impactful - just something of value the other party can take away from me.

Perhaps honouring my word should be the top priority for me. An engineer once told me he was unhappy that a contractor promised to give him a lift back if he turns up at an event, unfortunately that promise was never honoured and he had to find his own way back home. That made the engineer feel unappreciated and that - was a negative impact. What makes honouring one's word such a challenge? Can forgetfulness be an excuse? Distraction? Or the possibility of willfulness in sales talk.

So understanding myself further, I have to minimize my social network. Strange of somebody to say that, - but I'm neither looking for love nor looking to expand any business. I'm just looking to improving myself and quality of impact on my direct interaction with people. Going to parties just make me expand my network of acquaintances, get drunk, get wasted, ending myself and some strange person's house...

In a span of 10 months, I have dropped friends along the way and i don't find that it was a waste or a pity with such decisions. This is totally the avoidance strategy - but 2 (max 3) are the chances I give to people for making feel small about myself. After 3 chances, off these people go and make some other people feel bad about themselves. These people are educated, sustainable, survivors - I don't need to invest my time in telling them how right they are and not to be bothered about how I feel. and re-connecting with them means I owe them a lengthy explanation of why I've gone missing and i don't look forward to explain dumb questions like "Are you seeing somebody that's why you have forgotten about me". I don't need anybody's criticisms and I'm leaving the dishes UNWASHED as I like it.

It's the age where I have to focus on delivering results at work. A practice of focus & checking & inquiring & building professional relationships, with an additional interest of learning how to code and keeping my apartment clutter-free.

Life clutter-free as well. Just simple, no-drama, no self-pity, no self-victimization, no trying to impress an acquaintance in hope that they would like me, making me a "Oh-she's-so-interesting!" kind of person. They are all meaningless... And if this post sounds digressive and negative, it's needed for purging to be a little more positive about life. Need to purge, purge, purge, purge and detoxify.