I just hate it when i have to choose between rifle training and house meetings.
i feel like i'm being controlled by 2 big group of people (actually it's just myself). if i don't go training my captain wouldn't know how to account for my absence. if i don't go for meetings i won't know the details and i'll just be a burden to everyone else.

i don't think it's a very valid reason for myself to feel stress coz obviously i've already made up my mind but i just feel uneasy. i used to dislike people who kept going for their other CCAs when there are important meetings going on, esp when i'm chairing it, whatever their reasons may be. I put myself in Ruo's shoes and that's where and why the misery comes in. Trainings have been my first priority all these while and i guess i've gotta keep my word.

HOBBIT says:
hmmm,., i dunno... sometimes it seems like i'm so into the things i do... i don't really know what i'm doing it for.
blur_dale ...leslie is gone forever... says:
hmm......if u'r not clear bout wat u'r doing it's hard to persevere on

I'm glad the cheerleading problem has been resolved. i've been like running away from all these crap i feel tired of trying to ignore it. i always don't know what ruo wants to do and suddenly, although i don't resent doing it, i felt like a servent whose ideas are constantly being rejected. it's mentally draining and no one knows how exhausting it is to have ideas rejected. and stupid fat orca always seems very dismissive when it comes to serious stuff and thinks that i'm not serious at all. vice versa, i hate it when my character becomes questionable in other people's eyes. I must admit. i'm very self-conscious. not on the physical side but i just don't like when people doubt my character and my credibilty. even if it's for 2 seconds it's enuff to bring my mood down for the day.

i think it's just so useless to think about all these. it's okie that i have to go thru this phase in life. at least it makes me understand how others may feel if i make discouraging passing remarks about them. this phase must have been destined to be the hardest, yet the most crucial part of my life. if people trust me enuff to let them confide in me then i must respect her and not to talk about it in front of anyone. even this blog is no longer safe...

despite everything that has happened to me, i'm still a happy person. =)
No wonder Mr Dio was saying, " I'm a pessimist but i'm very happy." He does makes a whole lot of sense.