How to feel

What to feel and how I should feel. Let the head rule this time or be fully self-expressive?
Dreamers go for the latter, while I am fully aware that loose expressions will lead to death of what's left of our lingering connection.

Should I feel grateful that she still answer my calls? Or should I be angry that they are just mercy conversations to appease me so that I will leave her alone.  I feel both, simply because it's one way and  love unreciprocated .  That her heart is no longer present with me, all decided in a day of lust fuck with someone else.

It's not my fault - I hadn't let her down. But it's filled with deep regret that I was clueless or that I was careless with my communication. Or it's just a matter of time this would happen. Am I not the  one for her? I tried to lead my own individual life , occupy myself when she goes on biz trips and I can't help to think I'm really not good enough for her.

I have told her countless time that I feel I'm not good enough for her. Perhaps what I did was that I had convinced her so. And she took comfort in somebody else's arms.

I'm just plain stupid. I feel really stupid. How could I not showered double the attention since I knew I have left her physical side and that's exactly what I had failed  to give .  I'm too full of myself.  I'm too self-occupied. Gone were the days of selfless giving.

I need to be transformed. But I don't want to do it without you.

If I really want to be selfless, then everything will be all about u  and your request to me is to let u go.     .you go. You go. You go. You go. You go. And take all my love away and give it to someone else. U are not loving. U just stole what I have been giving and u distribute it away like a hero.

Its tipping into anger. And  I have to stop writing now. In order to save my own life.

You no longer text me for fun. You no longer think of me. You no longer miss me. You no longer want to work on the relationship with me. You rather spend your time and money building the relationship up with someone new.  And I no longer get your attention. I no longer get your love. I no longer can live the way I want to because a part of my have just DIED. TORN APART.  While you are happily hugging and sleeping with somebody else. ARGH I hate myself  for being such a big whiny fucked up bitch who refuses to let go.  But I'm doing all this to vent my frustrations so as to spare the rest of the world my nonsense.

I love you too much to hate you.