Going HK and losing grip.

I'm leaving for Hong Kong in 2 days and my emotions are volatile like fuck.  What I don't receive triggers anger, upset, unattractiveness, insecurity, unloved. Even though she has already done so much for me. She didn't have to come my house for dinner. She didn't have to do this or that or go to the party with me and she enjoyed herself while I felt left out and unmoved by her attempts. Any romantic gestures  didn't  feel special. Something was in the way and  nobody seemed to have the time for each other since it's CNY.

So when I  asked if she wanted to stay, btw I had spent money to install a ceiling fan so that she could come. more often. The more I do, the more I think it encourages her to come, the fuck bigger the disappointment and anger. And when I can't get things my way, naturally I am inclined to turn to emotional blackmail which I am fully aware it's more damaging than anything else. But excuses galore - who can swallow them? Perhaps only me - that's why when people ask her what she likes about me. The answer is "she can take my shit". Compliment? Or complement? Of coz the latter would be more rewarding in a relationship for no one is perfect.  So here is reason no.1: my stomach doesn't few too good. Reason no.2: you didn't tell me earlier. Reason no.3 : I don't have clothes to wear the next day. Reason no. 4: need to bring his nephew out.

Perhaps she's tired and just want a good rest and not think about tmr. I want to appreciate that side. But I wasn't capable of being gracious towards her. I am just as imperfect as she in because the thoughts of me leaving HK and reliving her of her time I have taken up  is like I've been living in a relationship that is just useless, time consuming and no possibilities of possibilities.

Why I am scared because of past experience? Of how Ernie treated me in the past? It all starts with disintesterest, more NOs, more Not Free, more of going out with other friends but not making time with me. When I say making time, it means I become a priority and she say NO to other to create time with me. So, no more such sweet gestures as I yearn for. Like I would just tell people don't come on PH because it's reserved. But I guess I am losing hold in this.

How about some self-reflection? What have I done for her? This is not a competition on who's better in a relationship. But I guess - what I have done for her is taking all her shit. If that's her criteria for a long and loving relationship, I will consider hanging on.